Slide 1

The Stolen Dreams of Africa

The Diary of an Evolved Feminist

14 minute read ● by Mbong A. FT.

The feminist movement has done so much for women that it is hard not to come across as ungrateful when you choose a title like the one I chose. But I couldn’t think of a better way to grab your attention. Truth is, I also flirted with these as possible titles ‘Not all Feminist Voices are Healthy for You’ and ‘The Feminist Voices I curbed to be a Happier me’’. Did someone just say the latter is a better title? Yes, I agree. So now that I have your attention, let’s go with the title we all agree is the best, title number 3.

Here it goes: 

The Feminist Voices I Curbed to be a Happier Me (PART 1)

Before I unpack it all, allow me to clarify a few things.  

Remember, this isn’t meant to be a prescription or a dogma, or suggest in any way whatsoever that this is how it is done, these are just my experiences, my little attempt to keep it together, as a wife, a mother, and a career woman. And as an African, a Christian, an activist, and an Evolved Feminist. It is also my approach to being a happier me and to sow harmony in society where possible.

The truth is, we are all feminists whether we like it or not because most of us have benefited or continue to benefit from the successes and freedoms that the movement fought for. 

But let’s be clear, feminism was never meant to dictate to any woman if they should marry or not marry. If they should have children or not, if they should be obnoxious and rude or ladylike and civil. It was all about equality, the fundamental right to be equal in front of the law, to be given equal opportunity, to allow women to be whatever they wanted to be. And this, at its core is not and may never again be up for debate. But feminist tenets have inadvertently seeped so deeply into society and into the very fabric of our existence that it takes a different level of awareness to separate the public and the private and to navigate them differently. To know when a voice that is feminist enhances your overall level of happiness and when it takes away from it. I can’t help but remember the days my mom would walk into the house from some women’s conference and shout at the top of her voice, “what a man can do a woman can do better”. Of course my dad will reply with his usual sarcasm “such rubbish”. Even as a child then, there were times I couldn’t help but ask if these conferences were meant to sow peace and harmony or tension. Years later, I will go on to study “Women and Gender studies at university to get some answers. Needless to say, I didn’t get all the answers I was after.

Another clarification worth making is that the need to be aware of the excesses of the feminist voice and how it can seep into the private and become a source of tension and discord is only necessary – at least in my opinion – if you value any meaningful relationship with a man if you value harmony and gender cohesion. In fact, it is only necessary if you are involved with men, value their contribution in a heterosexual relationship, or if you are interested in forging happiness and harmony with them and in society more broadly. 

If you have completely and successfully taken men out of your equation, like some of my loving and kind-hearted radical feminists friends – lesbians in most cases  – have done, this might sound crazy and absurd for you.  And I guess, that is where the challenge sets in in the feminist discourse.  Because while we all want to be the best we can be and oblige society to allow the space for that to happen, the journey of a woman who is still fully committed to traditional gender roles, who sees herself primarily as a life-giver, nurturer, who enjoys a healthy heterosexual relationship with men but who also wants to take advantage of all that the movement has made possible can be a colossal challenge.

And perhaps, this is a good time for a reminder that an Evolved Feminist is one who makes the most informed choices for her happiness and for harmony in her world. She seeks happiness by constantly trying to find ways to be the best she can be, by being a source of happiness for others, and by sowing harmony in society. She is devoted to women’s empowerment but her obsession for happiness and harmony wins the day. She is constantly finding ways to enhance harmony in society and to be meaningfully happy. Happiness is an individual journey and even the most hardened of my feminist friends can’t argue that. So, if you are involved with a man, or if harmony in such a transaction vaguely interests you, then these are some of the feminist voices I curbed in my life to be a happier me. 

Today, let’s look at the first feminist voice I curbed to be a happier me.

1. Never Give Up your dreams for a man:  So, I traded a career in broadcasting for a man and did not look back. 

If you have not already done so, please click here and read the first feminist voice I curbed to be a happier me.

The reality is, the subtleness of the feminist voice and how it seeps into your life and dictates to you is one that is hard to pin to any feminist writing at any given point. So yes, the first feminist voice I curbed – Never Give Up your dreams for a man-  isn’t written explicitly in any feminist book I have read but trust me it is implied in quite a few and promoted even more in hardcore feminist talks.  The truth is, most people are not worth giving up your dreams for, in fact, most ain’t worth giving up anything for. But if a man is a part of what you have personally analyzed to be a key ingredient for your overall happiness, then girl it wouldn’t kill you to make a few concessions for what you really want. Remember, we are talking about Evolved Feminism here, we are talking about informed choices. So when you’ve achieved for yourself and you know what you want. If you are lucky to find a man who gives you a reason to want to make a few sacrifices, there’s no harm in giving up some of your dreams for theirs. Selflessness is not a weakness and must never be. If you haven’t already done so, the first feminist voice I curbed to be a happier me is fully expanded upon in my Evolved Feminist story: I gave up a career in broadcasting for a man and did not look back. 

Check out my Evolved Feminist story for details on how I countered that feminist voice and look out for three other feminist voices I countered to be a happier me in this series. As we go along, I would very much love to hear from you. Which feminist voices you have curbed to be happier and to sow harmony in your world?