Slide 1

The Stolen Dreams of Africa

The Diary of an Evolved Feminist

14 minute read ● by Mbong A. FT.

If you’ve ever heard anyone being called a ‘worthless son of a bitch’, I am sure it provoked as much thought in you as it did to me. The issue with this insult is, it doesn’t just call out a person for their bad behavioiur, it cuts deep and addresses the very roots of their supposed ‘worthlessness’. The ‘bitch’ who did not do her job.

Everyone seems to be familiar with this insult but only a few actually have the courage to dish it out. And I am glad that I don’t know anyone with such courage.

I believe it is by far one of the most hurtful insults ever, though I must admit it is one of the most popular insults in the world. Each time I hear this insult being rained down on someone, I never stop to wonder, who coined it, what was going through their minds. Why did they choose to make the mother, the root of a man’s worthlessness and not the father who the boy (man) should ordinarily look up to?

I don’t watch as many movies today as I did in the good old days but I do vividly remember a few of my favourite movies where this insult was used over and over again. Do you remember T-bag in Prison Break? I am sure you’ll agree he epitomised everything this insult tries to convey, he was everyone’s greatest nightmare. He was a killer, a rapist., a liar, he doubled crossed anyone and everyone. He hurt and killed old and young with the same obliviousness in his action. His very own clique of criminals wished to see him locked up in a cage and the keys were thrown away.  No doubt he was called a worthless son of a bitch countless times in the action-packed drama. There was some withheld excitement in me when he was called by the infamous General ‘you worthless son of a whore’. T-Bag did not just epitomize the core of these insults, he earned it through his every action.

We really don’t get a glimpse into T-bag’s childhood but similar characters in other movies are usually associated with a childhood of abuse, of pain, of lovelessness, of hurt and anger, and bitterness. From their dads but especially from the ones they hoped would love and protect them the most – their moms.

There seems to be a psychological pattern associating a great man with the love and treatment he received from his mom and a man with such little character as T- bag to the abuse he received from the same.

What stands out in this insult is that it puts the woman at the center of a man’s failure. I don’t know if this is being judgemental and unfair to women but what I know is that most of the highly successful men I have interacted with always attribute their success to their mothers. “My mom gave me much love, she was very strict on me, she prayed for me, she thought me honesty and integrity, she taught me how to treat a woman”, the list goes on. Is this to suggest that the T-bags in our society had no moms? Maybe, maybe not. The reality is there’s no one formula to life. Things don’t always go as planned and are sure there are many moms who gave their best but things simply did not go as planned, society took its toll. And there are just as many moms who made quite a few mistakes and can’t believe the caliber of sons they produced. Grace is always sufficient too.

Bottom line is, a man’s life is complex and it will be naive to think one element makes a man.

But let’s assume for a second that the love of a mother is a fairly important element, that the love of a mother and the education she provides sets the foundation on which most other factors could or should ride, let’s agree to this as a foundational element of a man’s life.

I have deliberately held back on doing any real psycho-social research on this, I wonder exactly what Freud and other theorists have to say, but I wanted to communicate the thoughts that this has provoked in me, in their most shallow but authentic and unadulterated form.

My rusty thinking landed on the theory that a mom is like a son’s first love the same way many would argue a dad is a daughter’s first love. When a son is severely broken by the woman in whom he invested all his trust and love, especially through the early years of his life, it is probable that he takes all that bitterness, pain, and disappointment to society. Preying on women as a matter of revenge for the hurt and pain, for the love he failed to get. Through violent abuse, and other monstrous acts. A few of my favourite crime dramas seem to agree with this theory.

It even seems to be the case that when men get so much love from their moms, tough love included, they go through life having love to give. This even applies to men who had run-away, drunk and broken dads. Does it seem like the love of a mom compensates for it all, the scares of a fatherless childhood seen not to run as deep for men? But the scars left by a mom ‘bitch’ just seem to put the final nail on a man’s prospect of living a life of love.

Is there any iota of truth to this theory in your view?

Is it true that if a man is treated like a king and given an endless measure of love by his mom, he goes through life feeling like a king, treating others with kingly decorum and demanding to be treated as one? Does it also apply to women that if a daughter is treated like a queen by her dad she goes through life feeling like a queen and demanding to be treated as one? I would really like to hear your views.

For the sake of finishing this piece, let’s assume there’s just a fragment of truth in this thinking. There is obviously never one truth, every story is so unique and the context is always so different that even the exact action could produce different results. But let’s assume for a moment that there’s even the slightly psychological collocation between a son’s actions and the treatment he received from the woman who bore and raised him. Let’s assume there’s just the slightest measure of truth in that reasoning, so we can address the next question as we reflect on the role of women in building a better society in this week of international women’s days.

Are we women truly reflecting on our rule in nurturing great men in society, through our relationship with the boys around us –  biologically and those who seek that maternal comfort from us even not biologically – or are we relinquishing this duty in the quest of the bountiful opportunities that we can now embrace thanks to the successes of the feminist movement?

Feminism has had it merits and demerits. It has given many women today the needed relief to demand child support and alimony when men chose to desert as they sometimes do. It has opened up opportunities for a fair distribution of responsibility, so everyone can pursue their dreams without a particular gender being tied down to perform all nurturing duties. But with that has come obvious challenges. As women take up more and more responsibilities out of the home, our children risk being estranged from us, in many cases, it means men must step up as house-husband or single parents.

The long-term effect of a society where women relinquish nurturing and maternal role is not clear. We can only hope for the best, that the opportunities we take up, the growth we pursue do not come at the cost of our collective desire as women and mothers to raise men that are worth the name.

There’s no arguing that a good mother, is a hope for society, a good mother is hope for every man. If a woman is so central to the life of a man, what kind of men are we putting in society. What kind of men are we raising?  Are we investing – at least in our immediate sphere of control – to ensure that there are more of such men in society? 

Have we become the bitches that this insult makes reference to?

Fact is, there’s no life without a woman’s consent. And a woman’s share of responsibility in nurturing life can never be overstated.

We can only hope that the best efforts of our generation will spare us the headache of an insult that cuts so deep, an insult that goes beyond attacking the offender, but calls out the very roots of his ‘worthlessness’.  May our actions give no justification to the mother of all insult.

Women got the power to build society to whatever they want it to become. The most fundamental of our power is inextricably linked with our responsibility to build a happy and harmonious society for all.

An Evolved Feminist seeks to be the best contribution she can be to society and to be happy. She understands that building a happy and harmonious society requires much more than the inequality of sexes. She knows her power and uses it for good. 

Happy International Women’s day