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The Stolen Dreams of Africa

THE EVOLVED FEMINIST

As a young girl, I was overburdened by the issue of women and happiness, and the circumstances of my surroundings plagued with domestic violence, abuse and women’s absolute dependence on their men made the burden ever so heavy. 

My name is Mbong, I am a wife, a mother, a career woman and a writer. 

At 18, I made what I consider today as one of the boldest decisions I have made in the pursuit of happiness and harmony. As an advanced level student, my teachers and peers had big expectations from me. To study law, political  sciences, accounting or something which would challenge who they thought to be a good student, but to their absolute dismay, and despite being able to pursue any field of study in humanity, I chose to take up a major in women and gender studies and added journalism as an appeasement effort. I was in search of a magic bullet for women’s happiness and in my teenage mind, this course will provide me with a clue or two to solve all of women’s problems. Needless to say I didn’t find the magic bullet then, but what I discovered was that feminism was a gift for women to be more, live more, achieve more and live their most fulfilled life. With that confidence I was equipped to make other bolder decisions for my happiness and for harmony in my little world

So twelve years ago, I went on to make one of the most daring decisions of my life. I was a twenty seven years old ambitious prime time news anchor, with big dreams of where the career would take me. This was three years into my career in the newsroom, just when I was beginning to make my mark, just when I had become one of the main prime time news anchors. I reconnected with my university crush. Well, I think he had a bigger crush on me, and this detail matters in how this story evolves. 

We started to date, we travelled the world together, we had a good time, and it was great, until the unsettling question of “where is this going to? came up. And then the real talks started.

So back to the beginning, I had a career but my boyfriend was merely starting his. He was a volunteer for an international organisation, with no guarantees of a full time employment. But he was a caring dude, the type that will use up the little he had to make you feel like a queen and that mattered.

But there was a twist, 

My career, as a news anchor was the elephant in the room, it created such an uneasy calm in every conversation. So, even though he never said it outright  that my career choice wasn’t  one he was most comfortable with, I just knew. There were two things I could do at that point, bullshit everything that was happening and go on with my life and career or make some concessions to fully enjoy this relationship which in my mind was going well. I chose to make concessions. And I was not saying too. I knew if it came down to leaving my job and everything behind for him, I would do it . So this was my secret, If this gets serious, I will let go of my career. I loved it, I had big dreams for it, but I loved what was happening here just as much, and without being asked to choose, I was willing to do so.

About eighteen months into the relationship, he popped the question, three months later,  we were married and jetted off to South Africa. I have not looked back to broadcasting since then. 

At the time, it felt like the most reckless thing I had ever done, I was going with the flow, trusting and naive.  Yes, my friends warned me it was irresponsible and stupid to throw away all your dreams for a future that was so uncertain. There were several scenarios of ‘what ifs’  that were presented to me, but I knew in the depth of my heart that if I didn’t make this move, I might live to wonder, what if it was going to work?

Relationships come with no guarantees and that was a risk I had to take. Because I knew a man, and marriage – hopefully a happy one  – was an essential ingredient in the cocktail of the life I desired for myself.  So I asked myself, what will you treasure more in the next twenty years, a super successful career or a family? I knew it was possible to have it all, but my circumstances required that I had to choose one, at least for the time being. So I made a choice.

Marriage was not an escape. In fact, mine was nothing like moms. She had to get married because for her generation, marriage was the greatest promise for a young girl of 18. Mine was nothing like my grandmother’s before her, she was shipped off at the age of 13, to be groomed by the man she will later call husband. Mine was an informed choice. I could have stayed on my job and made my career dreams come true, but I chose to give it all up and jet off with the man I loved. So unlike my grandma and mom after her, I didn’t have to get married, I didn’t need to get married, I simply wanted to”

That single bold decision will shape the trajectory of my adult years. 

Make no mistakes, I now know first hand that marriage isn’t a bed of roses. Marriage is hard work. I love to say, marriage is like taking a long distance trip in rural Africa. There are far too many bumpy lanes, but those bumpy paths make the random smooth lanes, so soothing, that it is worth the trip. And if you make it through, there’s always joy and celebration when you get to the village. We could expand on this analogy on a different day.

Today, I am a mom to three inspiring little people. Motherhood has indeed been the most transformational and fulfilling of all of my life’s accomplishments. Being a mom has opened up my universe to new challenges, inadequacies, and above all, an ever present zeal to be the best I can be. I live to prove to my kids that you can be anything you want to be, you can live your fullest life. I feel the cocktail I was eager to create is somewhat coming together.

I am a wife, and grateful to enjoy the support, love  and company of a man. I know that regardless of the bumpy lanes, it is an immense gift to be with someone who puts up with all of who you truly are. It is a gift I am grateful to enjoy. 

Yes, I am a senior communication professional too. I love to contribute to building a better world and my career preferences have largely along those lines. So my career didn’t completely suffer from my decision to leave broadcasting, thank Heavens. 

Juggling motherhood, a career, marriage, a passion in writing is daunting to say the least but it is a combination of these things that define me. I know I must live my truth and be honest about it, if I must be a good role model for my kids. My full spectrum of happiness is in a bit of it all.  When any of these puzzle pieces become a source of contempt, I step back, because ultimately happiness and harmony are my two driving words. 

When I look back, I love to think, the choice I made wasn’t such a bad move after all. I have accomplished more with this man than I could ever achieve on my own. With three kids, I am fairly confident this decision has made me a happier woman with a purpose beyond my own. 

I know it could have all gone south, it could have all gone wrong, indeed all the scenarios my friends presented could have come through, but I simply wasn’t prepared to live with the burden of what if it was going to work out? This is what I wanted, this is what I desired and I know with that choice I made a commitment to live with my decision, whether it went north or south.

I always thought feminism was a gift, for me to be more, live more, do more, take risks, achieve more and live my most fulfilled life. And most of all to use the freedom that the movement had afforded  me, to make the most informed choices for my happiness. I simply wasn’t prepared to let that gift go to waste. 

I think of myself as an empowered woman, But I am not empowered simply because I have an education and I can work and earn a good salary. I am empowered because feminism made it possible for me to make the most informed choices for my happiness. I know what I want and I have the courage and the honesty to seek it. I couldn’t be more grateful to the feminist movement for making that possible.

Let’s go back to my varsity days. As a women and gender studies student, I took many courses on women’s empowerment – Women and `law, Women and Development, you name it.  I always wondered what a course on Women and happiness will cover. I constantly had to respond to this question in my subconscious mind, “Will this suffice to make women happier?”. I knew first hand from the circumstances of my childhood environment, that some women wanted to work and contribute beyond the confines of a family, others had all the happiness they needed by raising their kids, others simply wanted a man to take care of them. Others needed a combination of many things.

So, I often ask women if they are empowered enough to make informed choices for their happiness, because as an evolved feminist, I believe I have come a step closer to finding that magic bullet for women’s happiness. I have come to the realisation that as different as we are, we simply can’t be uniform in how we pursue happiness.

I wrote the memorandum of a modern-day feminist and the pledge of an evolved feminist and started blogging at the Diary of an EvolvedFeminist and invite women to a movement of The Evolved Feminist to encourage women to empower themselves, so that they are in a position to make the most informed choices for their unique happiness and to foster harmony.

My newly found purpose is in encouraging women to use the freedoms that the feminist movement has given them to make the most informed choices for their happiness and for harmony. Feminism has been a gift and we simply can’t let it go to waste.

It has become clear to me that one woman’s preference to work, can never override another’s agency to be a stay at home mom. The only superior choice we are able to make as women is an informed choice, one that makes you meaningfully happy. 

The pledge that is closest to my heart as an evolved feminist is to support women in the plethora of informed choices that they make for their happiness and for harmony. By all means, be true to yourself and be happy.

What informed choices have you made for your happiness and to foster harmony  in your world? 

Read more stories of women making involved choices for happiness and harmony @ The Evolved Feminist

You can join the movement of women making informed choices for happiness and harmony, a movement of women who go over and beyond to sow happiness and harmony by sharing your Evolved Feminist pledge and your story.

I am on facebook and Twitter as Mbong – The Evolved Feminist

I blog @ The Diary of a Failed Feminist, to correct the inadequancies of failed feminism

You can follow the blog’s facebook page – The Diary of a Failed Feminist